It's been almost five years now since I decided ballet was what I wanted to do. Five years of pouring my life into dance. Around two years ago, my passion solidified into a dream to major in ballet and then to open a studio and teach ballet. So in February I went out to the college I want to go to to audition for that ballet program there. It felt like a very solid audition to me. A week later, I received a very polite rejection. Cue the cloud of "Now what?", "I'm not good enough," "If only...", etc.
"If only..." Ah yes, that magic phrase that instantly transports us to the land of imagining what might have been. If only you had made that one decision differently. If only that hadn't happened. If only you hadn't been fired, if only the principal of your school hadn't said that one thing that stuck with you, if only, if only, if only.
And if only the ballet academy I'd been going hadn't decided that I was too old to keep dancing now that I had graduated, making me go to a different, less intense studio during my gap year, I might have made it into the program. (At least, so my voice of insanity tries to tell me. I'm doing my best not to listen to it.)
Don't get me wrong, I love my new studio. It's just that, well...
Rejection hurts. It took me months before I was even able to drive by the exit I used to get off at to go to my old studio, even though the fastest way to get to my new studio was past that exit. The exit, for crying out loud, not even the building. Every time I saw someone who went there, I would tear up.
When I did Nutcracker in December, I was told one day that the director of my old studio was coming to see it. I almost couldn't go onstage, I was so terrified.
My old studio was the studio attached to the professional company here. I had promised to take my sister to one of their productions in February. It was really hard to even go into the theater (though once I did, I was able to enjoy it).
They also offer adult classes. I have never been to one since I was told I couldn't be a student anymore, even though I have some good friends there. For one thing, many of the teachers are the same, and I'm a little afraid of seeing them again. For another thing, I have many memories of that place, and walking the halls again is going to be weird. I've finally gotten up the nerve to go to the class tomorrow night.
So I've slowly been recovering from the rejection from my old studio, which partially ruined my dreams, but not dreadfully, since I found another studio to keep dancing, and to move up to a level to ace the audition (I had tried the year before, but knew I didn't have much of a chance then. I had my backup plan in place: keep going to the old studio until the next year so I could get in next year)
And then I got rejected this year too.
Now my dream was really shattered. How could I open a studio and teach if I couldn't major in ballet? Everything I had worked for for five years was gone.
And then I remembered the other program. It had been mentioned while I was at the college as an alternative way to be able to teach ballet. It's called "Arts Administration", and, besides the possibility to teach, also teaches the business side to running a studio. It's a much stronger major for someone who wants to teach. Suddenly, my dream was alive again. After a few weeks trying to make sure this was what God wanted me to do, I felt that it was. So now I'm just waiting for some paperwork to go through, and I'm headed to the Arts Admin program.
My dream is the same, and it is different. It's still the same end goal, but it's not at all how I thought I would get there. It's an even better way. Funny how God works like that.
"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9
UPDATE: I went to the adult class last night. There were even some friends from the studio there too. When I learned that the director of the studio himself would be teaching, I almost turned around and went home, but I stuck it out. He made a point of telling me that it was really good to see me, and that he had noticed me at Nutcracker and that I had looked really good, and he even told me "good" a couple of times during the class. Once I got going, I had a blast. I think I'm finally ready to move on. There will still be those moments when I wonder what might have happened "if only," but I think I've finally gotten to the point where I can move on.
pointe4Jesus
~Still dancing for Him Who died for me.~
That's possibly the saddest thing I've heard all week. I know you've worked so hard! But it's great that you remember that God works out everything to His will. I am praying for you to keep that spirit!
ReplyDelete-LoneWolf